I’m a self-made hundredaire
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If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today