sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Breaking news:
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.