For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9