[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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