Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
This a good idea
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round