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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*