[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.