Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes