You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
seems fine
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
#CatsOnTwitter
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.