[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story