When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
You Might Also Like
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*