Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me