Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”