The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
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Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Cake safety first. Always.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I’ll be mad as hell!
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth