Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
You Might Also Like
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
can you read it!!??
maan!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Muppet Screams
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the