3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
You Might Also Like
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
A woman drives into a bar.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now