Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me, reading some of your tweets
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I have a new favorite meme page
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
This is sending me to another galaxy
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.