I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
My love language is hissing.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one