There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.