Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Morning.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.