The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family