The fall of Netflix
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me