Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*