Holy shit he’s back
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Self-cleaning conscience
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.