911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
A dad and his duck
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.