why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”