GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
🤣😂🤣
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen