You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.