HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You Might Also Like
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“you recording!?”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.