I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
You Might Also Like
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
#Caturday
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I saw this ending much differently.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it