Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
You Might Also Like
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.