Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.