I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
There is no “we” in chocolate.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”