The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?