I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Here’s a meme
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
okay run it by me one more time
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
January has been Januweary