is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Catercrombie & Fish
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.