I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
In case you needed to hear it:
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably