Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You Might Also Like
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
A man of commitment.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.