Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
i hope my email finds you on fire
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start