[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars