Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
You Might Also Like
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
What the hell happened in there??
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.