One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
We need more people like this.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
#Caturday
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous