[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
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Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed