The glockness monster
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Inside you there are two wolves
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Dammit Chief not again
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….