Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Covid like
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Guys, I found it.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good