If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue