With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not