“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
You Might Also Like
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: