[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
What the hell happened in there??
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.