Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent